When I was about 20 years old, I had this boyfriend.  He was a nice guy (at least–he tried), but we had all these problems.  We simply weren’t good together.  Being young and naive, it took a while for us to realize this.

Anyhow, this last weekend I recalled something from that relationship which bothered me.  Well, it wasn’t from the relationship per se, more something that someone said.  I remember visiting Jason (that was the boyfriend) at his job and talking with his boss.  I really liked his boss; he was a really sweet guy and always tried to help Jason out.  At this point in our relationship, Jason and I were living together (God knows why).  So I was talking with Jason’s boss, and he was asking me if I thought Jason and I would get married.  I said that maybe we would eventually (okay, so I probably said something dumb, like–absolutely, of course, we’re so in love).  His boss responded telling me that I should really consider mine and Jason’s living situation.  He said, “Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?”  At the time, I felt kind of sad when he said that.  I thought–maybe he’s right; why would Jason ever marry me if I’m living with him?  What would be the incentive?

Eleven years later and a whole lot wiser, that statement doesn’t make me sad–it pisses me off.  I don’t think people really realize what they’re saying when they make statements like that.  And that conversation wasn’t the first time someone told me that–it certainly wasn’t the last time either.  People still say these things to me.

So this is my response to that statement in the here and now:  I AM NOT A COMMODITY!  No woman is.  And no damn reference should ever make her feel that way.  I’m not a cow; I’m not selling my milk; I am not for sale.  I don’t offer a fee for service.  No one will ever own me.  My fiance wanting to marry me has nothing to do with what I am or am not holding back from him.  It has to do with the fact that he respects me, loves me, sees me as his partner and wants to spend his life with me.  If someone doesn’t want to marry you, it has nothing to do with sex or milk or cows!  Perhaps, it simply isn’t right.

Many cultural references like this exist in our society.  And I think it’s time we raised our daughters to think more of themselves than that.  They are not a commodity or a business transaction.  Their goal in life is not to find a husband to complete them.  They should not be judged on whether they are single or married or living with their partner.  They should be raised to focus on what makes them happy–their definition of happy, not society’s.

I find it sad that I have friends who judge themselves based on whether or not they are single, engaged, married, etc.  I don’t know a whole lot of men who judge themselves this way.  Obviously, we know how to raise boys to become independent, happy, confident men–men who don’t need their girlfriend to give them a ring in order to feel complete.  Perhaps we should start raising our girls this way too.

I think Jessica said it best in my song of the week:  I Belong to Me.

I Belong to Me
Jessica Simpson (Songwriter:  Diane Warren)

I belong to me

It’s not that I don’t wanna share my life with you, baby
It’s just that I’m the one I need to be true to, baby
And I won’t give up me to be part of you

It’s not that I don’t want to have you in my life, baby
It’s just you gotta know that it’s got to be right, baby
Before I open up my heart to you

I don’t need somebody to complete me
I complete myself
Nobody’s got to belong to somebody else

I belong to me
I don’t belong to you
My heart is my possession
I’ll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I’m one, not half of two
And if you’re gonna love me
You should know this, baby
That I belong to me

I gotta let you know before I let you in, baby
That who I am is not about who I am with, baby
That don’t mean I don’t wanna be here with you, I do

I don’t need somebody to complete me
I want you to know
I’ll give all my love but I’m not givin’ all my soul

I belong to me
I don’t belong to you
My heart is my possession
I’ll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I’m one, not half of two
And if you’re gonna love me
You should know this, baby
That I belong to me

Love don’t mean changin’ who you are
To be who somebody wants you to be
Nobody’s got to belong to nobody

I belong to me
I don’t belong to you
My heart is my possession
I’ll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I don’t belong to you
My heart is my possession
I’ll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I’m one, not half of two
And if you’re gonna love me
You should know this, baby
That I belong to me

photo credit: Eduardo Amorim