Growing up, I was led to believe the luckiest women had the trifecta. They were confident, independent and beautiful. Those were the women that men wanted. Those were the women with the high powered jobs, the fabulous wardrobes, the loyal husbands, the beautiful families. Those were the women who had it all.
And so, I tried to emulate them. I tried to make myself into the women I thought had everything I wanted.
For me, the easiest part was being independent. I had that one down. After all, I was an introvert. Being alone was my forte. And seeing as how the ability to be alone seemed a prerequisite for independence, I felt I was well on my way.
Confidence was an entirely different matter. Like I said, I was an introvert. Being the life of the party didn’t come natural to me, and as I grew up, I became very shy. I was afraid I would say the wrong thing or that people would think my interests and opinions were odd. So I kept most of that to myself. I became intensely private and stopped sharing my true self with other people. I would hold a few close friendships and allow those people into my heart, show them a shallow glimpse of the real me. Everyone else, well, they got the façade I painted for the world. They saw the girl that acted confident. I got so good at portraying this version of me – the confident, sure of herself version – that I nearly believed it.
And then there was beauty. I always thought I was sort of pretty. But then I also compared myself to the popular girls, the beautiful girls, the models in magazines, the women on TV. And I never quite measured up. I worried about having the right hair, the clearest skin, the best figure. And the more I worried, the more I came up short. I wasn’t the girl that got the guy. I was the girl that got to be the guy’s friend. This, perhaps more than any other, did a number on me. I fought the constant feeling that if only I were prettier, I could get the guy, too. (Damn Disney and those stupid fairytales.)
In recent months, I’ve been thinking about all of this a lot. And I’ve realized something. I constantly look at other people and measure myself next to them. I think I should be as successful as they are, as bold as they are, as sure of myself as they are, as beautiful as they are.
Why do I do this? Why do I measure my self worth against others? Why am I afraid to open up to people, like really open up? What keeps me from being myself 100% and being truly and completely happy with that?
My short and sweet answer: I don’t know.
I wish I could point to the exact moment in childhood that I stopped feeling free to be me and started feeling like I should be better. But I can’t. Not with any precision.
I wonder if, for some people, good self esteem is in their genes. Are there people out there who don’t question themselves, their abilities, their own self worth?
Walking through life, feeling like you don’t measure up, is no way to live. We should all feel beautiful. We should all feel sure of ourselves. We should all feel everything that we are, every feeling that we have, every emotion, every dream, everything – it’s all enough. Because we are. We are enough. Exactly as we are.
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Heather, you have the amazing skill of perfectly describing all those crazy thoughts and feelings that everyone has swirling around in their heads! I can definitely relate to constantly measuring myself up to other women and thinking that I wasn’t good/pretty/thin/funny/confident enough. Why do we put ourselves through such torture?! I for one think it takes a tremendous amount of courage & confidence to do all of the amazing things you do. Plus it’s not easy to bare one’s soul the way you do. Thanks for a beautiful & insightful post!
Thanks, Nailah! That really means so much to me. After I wrote this, I struggled with whether or not to post it. (Was it too personal? Was I putting too much of myself out there?) It is definitely hard sometimes to post this stuff. But I figure it’s true and how I really feel. So it’s so great to hear that other people can relate. Thank you!
You’ve always been the gorgeous, skinny, fit, best dancer, best looking and smart cousin. Growing up I would have died to be you. Isn’t it funny we all feel the same as you? I blame puberty and hormones in our teens starting us on this bad train of self destructive thoughts. We have to take back control and not be dictated by others view of us or our perceived views of what we must be for others, but be true to ourselves. Way easier said than done.
Heather…I told Steven I had checked out your blog…I love it. I love that you’re “In Search of Squid”…in search of your passion and place in this world (at least, that’s what I got from it). Anyway, I hadn’t read this post until now, when I planned to leave a comment to say hello…wow, what a post! That was so well-said…I don’t even know you, but I felt a connection to you when I read this. Kudos, girl. Oh! And I don’t know if Steven told you, but I am a crazed fiction-reader…so I’m excited to hear you’re writing a novel. I like your writing style…you can count on me to be a fan!
Thank you, Tiffany! You are too sweet. And it’s true, it seems we’re all looking at someone else, thinking, wow, I’d love to be them. Teenage hormones make us all a bit crazy.
Noelle – Thanks SO much for the comment! I’m so glad you like the blog!! You totally made my day. It was awesome meeting you and your family this week.
Ok, if your the girl who’s always the guys friend. And I was always the guy who was thw girls friend, and you shot me down in highschool, where does that put me…? I guess somewhere between roadkill and a eunic… LOL. – can laugh about it now, but WOW…!
Haha…I’m surprised you remember that, Geno. When I was packing up my apartment a few weeks ago, I was going through some stuff from high school and found a letter you wrote me. Such great memories. And besides, you totally got the girl in high school. So you’re not road kill after all.
Hi, I arrived here from StrateJoy. I’d really like to share with you this video that made me cry. It’s about being pretty.
http://feministfatale.com/2010/05/pretty/
What do you think?
Paula, I’m so glad you shared that. I LOVED it. That was powerful – and I seriously have a few tears in my eyes. Seriously well said. Thank you!
I’m happy that you liked. Me too, it gave me goosebumps!!!