Have you ever felt your chest squeeze so tight that your heart skips a beat and your lungs grasp for air at the same time? Have you ever felt like you were drowning? You look up to see the water swirling around you, the glimmer of light above you, all the while the surface being pulled from your vision with the force of a hurricane? Have you ever felt you were going to die? That you might like it? A welcome respite from the pain you’ve endured.
I wrote that several years ago as an intro to a story I was writing. I stumbled across it this morning as I searched for a file to send to a friend. It struck a chord. Why? Because I can relate.
Wow. Where do I even start with this one? I did something last night that was petty, and cold, and heartless. It was hurtful and hateful and cruel. And every cell in my body screamed for me to do it. And I think it was the right thing. Except, I shouldn’t have done it in that way, I shouldn’t have done it in anger. I should have been strong enough to do what I needed to do for myself without affecting someone else. But I wasn’t. And I did it the way that I did it. I’m not proud. I’m not happy. But I do feel a strange sense of relief. I can finally move on.
Last night, I destroyed a friendship. I destroyed a friendship that was dear to my heart. I hurt someone that I love. That I really, truly love. I destroyed that friendship with the truth. They say the truth will set you free. And, yes, yes it will. But sometimes that freedom is to cut all ties, to break invisible chains. And, sometimes, that freedom brings sadness. That freedom leaves you alone with your thoughts because there is no longer anyone to share them with. And that freedom breaks your heart. And someone else’s.
I’m not ready to share details about this one. I will one day. I don’t want to bury it and keep it to myself (something I’m so freaking good at doing). But I do need a bit of distance from it before I tell the story. I need to see it a bit more objectively and with a little less passion.
Passion is good sometimes. Passion is good in business and creativity and work. Passion is good when making love. Passion is good when chasing dreams. But passion is not always good when speaking of matters of the heart. Because it destroys vision. It fogs clarity. And it puts forth words that can’t be taken back. So I’ll take a little distance. And then I’ll tell the story.