I woke up this morning and listened to the wind blow. It’s howling out there. It took me more than two hours to crawl out of bed. I couldn’t think of a good reason to actually budge. It’s Christmas, my least favorite holiday. Christmas. The day that reminds me my family is disjointed and I have no actual family of my own. It wouldn’t be so bad if every shop and restaurant weren’t closed. It makes me wish I had gone to the grocery store yesterday.
So, yeah. I’m not a fan. And I tell people I don’t love Christmas, but I can’t bear to tell them why. I hate the looks of pity that come back at me when I tell them Christmas makes me feel alone. So I tell them it’s not my favorite holiday, they usually assume it hasn’t something to do with how over commercialized it is, and we all stay comfortable in our bubbles.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that story of lost friendship I mentioned in my last post. And I’ve realized something. You see, I said that I did something that was cold and heartless. Well, distance illuminates my mind on the matter. What I did was not cold or heartless at all. What I did was right and needed and necessary. What I did was long over due. Yes, it was rash and done when angry. That part I don’t like. But, dammit, there was nothing wrong with it, and I don’t feel the least bit bad. I told the truth to someone that needed to hear it. I was honest. And not in a subjective, giving my opinion kind of way. I stated facts. Those facts were difficult to swallow. But they were facts, nonetheless. I value honesty and truth in my life, and I upheld that value. And if someone else is going to end a friendship or get angry because I was honest, well…
I’m serious. No one like that deserves my empathy.
I’m doing my absolute best to turn over a new leaf on this one. It’s a new day. I am no longer weighed down by silly stuff that doesn’t matter. Easier said than done, yes. There will be difficult days and hard moments, and I’ll likely lose my focus at times. But that’s okay and to be expected. What I plan to do now is focus on those things I can control. I’m going to focus on the good with as much gusto as I possibly can. I’m going to focus on joy, and I’m going to squeeze every bit of joy I possibly can out of this coming year. Why? Because I’ve been down for far too long. And it’s time to get back up and smile.