I am simultaneously perplexed and in awe of people that have the ability to believe everything happens for a reason. Why is that? Well, reason being, I hate that phrase. Always have.
Everything happens for a reason, you say? Why did my mother die the way she did? What was the reason for that? Why did I spend eight years with someone, it turned out, I didn’t know at all? What was the reason for that? Why does everything seem like such a struggle these days? What on Earth is the reason for that? There are a thousand questions I could ask, the answers of which seem completely random, unfair and baseless. There are far, far too many things in this world that happen for seemingly no good reason.
Yet, I still find myself pondering the phrase. Is there truly a reason for all this shit? If I were able to pull away from the individual situations, would I be able to see the intricate weave that connects one event to another, giving everything a purpose and a reason? And even if not, is it just easier to live life with the idea in mind that everything happens for a reason? I feel like it must be. It must be easier. If I could only wrap my mind around the idea that there is purpose to all of this.
But I can’t.
And I’m pretty damn jealous of the people who can.
I joked with a good friend of mine the other day that I am clearly having an existential crisis. (And then I promptly looked it up to make sure I used the term correctly.) What in the hell is the purpose of my life? What is the meaning of all this? Perhaps more important — why is this all suddenly bothering me?
Too many questions and not enough answers. That’s pretty much where I’m at.
I really, really wish I could just say — well, everything happens for a reason, and I guess it will become clear when the time is right — and then go back to my carefree existence.
Maybe I should attempt that? I’ve been meditating a lot lately. Breathe in slowly. Breathe out slowly. Focus on your breath. Focus on your intention. Be present. And I’ve been thinking a lot about giving it all up to a higher power. I mean, I don’t believe in God. I just don’t. And I don’t think there is some ultimate plan in the universe in which everything needs to happen in such a way for it all to play out properly. I don’t think there is truly such thing as destiny. Shit happens, and it only becomes destiny in hindsight.
But maybe that’s all beside the point. Maybe giving it up to a higher power or giving it all up to the universe has more to do with letting go of control. Maybe it has more to do with not worrying about the purpose or the reason of things because worrying doesn’t change anything. And, perhaps, learning to let go and let the universe do it’s thing is the best way to go.
I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. And I’m just trying to be okay with that.