A few other projects have also been percolating.  I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but I finally bought that DSLR camera I’ve been salivating over.  It was a Christmas gift to myself.  (I’m a big fan of getting yourself gifts.  Who better to know precisely what you might like?)  The past few weeks I’ve thrown myself into photography — watching videos, reading tutorials, snapping shots at every opportunity.  I love it.  It’s so much fun and so creative and such a challenge at times.  It’s a rush diving head first into a hobby that once intimidated me.  Stay tuned, as I will be sharing lots of photos in the near future.

Speaking of hobbies and creativity, I’m signed up for an online painting class, and it starts Monday!  My supply list is in hand, and I will be stopping at my favorite art supply store this weekend to grab new paints.  I haven’t painted in quite a while, but it’s something I’ve always loved.  Not to mention, take a painting class is on the super awesome bucket list.  This likely sounds a bit strange, but I am often surprised by how spot-on the bucket list actually is.  Perhaps because I once questioned the things I enjoyed doing — as in, I wasn’t quite sure what those things were.  But now, I know myself.  I mean.  I really, really know myself, and I know what I love to spend my time doing.  That’s an awesome feeling.

One last thing.  I’ve started work on a writing project.  I’m really excited.  It’s one of the most difficult projects I’ve attempted, as I’ve been struggling to be 100% honest and vulnerable in the writing.  That type of vulnerability comes easier to me when I’m writing fiction — no one has to know what comes from personal experience and what comes from my imagination.  But this project is a memoir project of sorts, and to do it right, I have to really be honest.  I have to let myself be seen in ways that I’m not necessarily comfortable with.  My goal is to finish the project within the year, then send it off into the world.  I’m nervous.  But in a good way, I think.  I feel like this project will push me to grow, as a writer and a person.

So there you have it.  That’s what I’ve been up to.  As the printing presses have quieted over here, the motion hasn’t slowed a bit.  I’ll be back to regular posts and travel updates and all the goods quite soon.  I’ll be writing and ranting and exploring and inquiring.  In the mean time, I’m sending virtual hugs your way.

xoxo

The Journey
by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.

It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do-
determined to save
the only life you could save.

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You all know I’ve been playing with this idea off and on for a few years.  And my life has sort of gotten in the way each time I tried.  But since the start of 2012, something new has crept in — a feeling of total and complete calm.  A feeling of — this is the right thing for me.

Granted, I’m not independently wealthy, so such a realization doesn’t mean I bought a ticket and am heading out tomorrow.  No, rather it means I’ve made a vague plan.  And that plan includes a new bank account — one specifically titled “Round the World Trip Fund.”  And you better believe that’s what it says when I pull that baby up on my computer screen.  It’s going to take a while to save the money and pay off my student loans, but that’s my goal.  I actually have a date in mind, but I’m not ready to put it out there quite yet.  I’m not a fan of making plans too far in advance.

Truth is, when the time comes, life may change entirely.  I may no longer be interested in taking a year-long trip around the world.  I don’t know.  But here’s what I do know:  if I don’t start saving now, it won’t matter what I want when the time comes, because I won’t have the money to do it!  Thus, I figure it’s better to be prepared.  If all is as it is today, I will go.  If it’s not, well, hopefully something even more exciting will have cropped up.

That’s what’s got my blood pumping today.  What’s got you fired up?

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No need to claim responsibility.  Just say, “I’m sorry you’re hurt.”  And mean it.

Those four little words go a long way.

At the same time, there seems to be this thing among many bloggers, this need to project perfection.  We would like to believe that if we start living on our own terms, we won’t struggle with life any longer.  And if we do, we probably shouldn’t admit it because that would sort of be like admitting defeat.  Though even as I write this I realize this is a phenomenon that moves way beyond blogging.  It’s the whole keeping-up-with-the-Jones’s thing.  We all want people to think we’re as happy and successful as the next person.  And since we’re all faking it, it’s hard to know exactly how happy we’re supposed to be.  Then we wonder — do we talk about our problems?  Should we be honest?  Or is that considered whining?

I actually don’t know the answers to these things.  Maybe we should talk about it.  Maybe we shouldn’t.  But I figure this blog is a projection of me.  It’s my journey, a chronicle of my life.  And I want to feel comfortable saying whatever is on my mind.  Even though there are 18,000 rules to blogging, I don’t necessarily want to follow them.  It’s funny.  I find a lot of bloggers are “non-conformists,” but then they make a list a mile long of blogging dos and don’ts.

But, wait.  This post isn’t about other bloggers.  Truth is, I love my blogger friends.  I’m just making random observations.  And really I’m hiding from the fact that I, myself, am afraid to talk about my feelings.  So publishing a post that makes me vulnerable, open to people asking me if I’m okay — that’s some scary shit.

Truth is, I’m not sure what I need.  I’m not sure what’s going to fix this ounce of bitter and help me let go of this wanting.  I get through the majority of the day feeling stellar.  I go to work.  I focus.  I laugh and joke with my students.  I spend time with friends (at least when I have time and it hasn’t been a ridiculously long day).  But something’s missing.  It’s a little empty sometimes, a little lonely.  Which is odd, because when I’m home alone I sort of love it.  I love having dinner at the breakfast bar while checking email and reading the latest book I pulled from the library shelf.  I love long baths.  I love the feeling of making myself happy and being in complete control of my time.

But then, I’m a bit of a dreamer, and I get these crazy ideas, and I wonder if he dreams the same thing — the maybe, the what if, the someday.  And I start thinking and hoping, and before I know it, I’m wrapped up in a daydream.  A damn good daydream, mind you, but a daydream none the less.  Because my reality is that I’m a shy girl that’s afraid to talk about her feelings and holds them close, all the while letting them grow.  This gets to be a problem when they grow about as huge as the three story building I live in.  Because three story buildings can be quite the road block, you know?

I attempted to alleviate this burden, which didn’t work out as planned.  Isn’t there some unwritten rule that if you’re vulnerable and open and ask the hard questions, you’ll be rewarded in the end?  I could have sworn that was the deal.  So I decided to ask the hard questions.  And then I realized that not everyone appreciates a curve ball.  Not everyone can handle answering the hard questions.  Just because I’m being vulnerable doesn’t mean the person on the other end is capable of vulnerability also.  Or that they even think that type of vulnerability is healthy and good.

And so I’m back where I started, carrying a three-story building on my back.  I tried to get someone to help me tear it down, but apparently my approach was lacking.  How exactly do you convince someone to partner with you on a demolition project?  Especially when that demolition requires them to step out of their comfort zone also.  How do you convince someone that you don’t have ulterior motives — you really do just want to tear the thing down.

Eh, life.  I guess sometimes you don’t.  Sometimes, all on your own, you have to break down a building you spent so much care and time creating.  But have you ever tried to demolish a building?  It’s harder than it looks.

So to give you a little insight as to why this nugget came swinging, or at least what the hell this is about, it’s this:  I don’t trust myself with men.  Wait.  No.  I don’t trust myself with men that I like.  It’s like I become a complete and total buffoon.  What’s worse is that I become a buffoon with no personality (but let’s save that part for another post — we can analyze my lack of dynamism later.)  Back to the subject at hand.  I don’t know how to draw lines or set boundaries.  I can’t tell the difference between a guy that wants to get laid and a guy that’s genuinely interesting in knowing me.  I don’t know when someone’s lying to me.  For that matter, I have no idea when they’re telling the truth.  I don’t know if they’re a nice person or a fucked up person.  I don’t know if they’re a friend or more than a friend.  I don’t know if they really care.  (And, apparently, asking such questions of anyone is silly and sanity-less.)  I don’t know how to be light and fun.  I’m too serious.  I have too many emotions and am apparently hung up on said emotions.  And I will readily admit to you that I cry too easily and care too much.

In short, I’m a hot mess.

And so I’ve decided.  I’m done caring.  I’m done getting wrapped up in my emotions and being blinded by stupidity.  Wait, I suppose the stupidity isn’t blinding me — it’s that big heart of mine that I wear attached to my shirt-sleeve, waiting for someone to come along and brush up against it a bit before they toss it to the ground and step on it.  Squish.  Oops, did I do that?  Oh no, it’s not you, it’s me.  Don’t worry, I’ve been here before.  I know.  I practically tossed it to the concrete in front of your feet.  You could have done little to avoid it, really.

There’s something to be said for nearly 34 years of bad decisions.  Not anything good but, nonetheless, something could be said about it.

And although I say much of this in jest, the gist of this post is absolutely true.  I don’t have it in me anymore.  I really don’t.  I’m done with the games and the guessing.  Mostly, I’m done with guessing wrong.  I’m tired of being sad about it all.  Or hoping against hope that something might work out only to find that, yet again, it was a silly idea in the first place.  I don’t want to put myself out there.  I don’t want to make a fool of myself anymore.  Even if there is one small piece of hope that it might all be perfect.  Because it’s not.  It never will be.  Those aren’t the decisions I make.  The decisions I make are the ones that leave me confused and puffy eyed.  Bewildered.  Unsure of how exactly this happened again.  Wondering why I can’t just learn to tuck that heart away, somewhere soft and alone — protected.

And so today, I put it all away.  I don’t want to date you because I don’t trust you.  But more than that, I don’t trust myself.  So leave it alone, okay?  What’s that ridiculously cliche quote?  “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?”  I don’t think that’s true.  I think my heart would be a lot lighter had I never let myself love anyone.  And maybe then I would know how to be light and fun.

by Veronica Shoffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul and
you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and
company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises and
you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and
your eyes ahead with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child and
you learn to build all your roads on today because
tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and
futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much so
you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead
of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth and
you learn and
you learn
with every goodbye, you learn.

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Now, when I say I did a whole heck of a lot of nothing, I really mean I did nothing I didn’t want to do.  I was actually pretty productive.  I set up as much of my apartment as I could, I painted accent walls, I did some reading (though not as much as I expected I would), I took a trip to the mountains, I caught up with friends.  All in all, it was sort of perfect.  I feel rejuvenated and ready to go.  Well, I’m not quite ready to go back to work.  But I’m ready to go somewhere — that’s for sure.

Remember the tease I threw your way a few days ago, the one where I showed you the color of my paint?  Ah, Cozumel.  Well, I now live amongst the color of the sea.  And I must say, it’s beautiful (at least in my not-so-humble opinion).  Here’s the big reveal.  It was a little nerve-wracking, putting such a bright color on the walls.  Though I do believe the bold move paid off.  I’ll let you be the judge.

In all, Angela and I painted three walls.  It was my first time painting anything!

Angela made me make the first marks on the wall.  She knows me well.  If something’s going to get messed up, or I don’t like it — it’s best I be the one to do it!

The color in the pictures really doesn’t do that actual wall color justice (at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me).  I mean, I love the color that shows up in these snapshots, it just doesn’t happen to be completely accurate.  Aside from the turquoise blue, it’s also got a hint of green.  It’s the sea, I tell you.  It’s the sea.

Part of the reason I chose a bright color (aside from the fact that I happen to love it) is because I want the constant reminder — to be bold.  Because sometimes being bold is scary (sort of like painting your walls a crazy, bright color).  But, in the end, making the bold choice is often the best choice.  I wanted to be surrounded by bold on a daily basis.  That, and I think the color will keep me feeling creative.  It’s hard to be stale and uninspired when surrounded by walls like these!

Goodbye, 2011.  It’s been grand.

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Aside from wondering if I’m going to royally screw up my beautiful walls with a botched paint job tomorrow (or rather, later today), I’m also wondering what lies ahead for 2012.  Honestly, I’m a bit nervous (hence the tossing and turning).  When things start to move forward incredibly well, I begin to wonder what’s going to come along and blow my happiness out of the water.  Maybe instead of worrying, it’s time to make a map — a map of the year ahead and what I would like to create.

So, what do I want to do with 2012?  Here goes…

Travel.  This is the easy part.  As I’ve mentioned a number of times, 2012 is set to be a spectacular year for travel.  I’ll be mixing a bit of U.S. travel with a bunch of international travel, particularly in Central and South America.  I’m anticipating the natural beauty of the regions I plan to visit, but also, I can’t wait for the food!  These regions boast some of my all-time favorite flavors, and I plan to try everything.

Language.  Speaking of travel, it seems obvious that perhaps I should learn a bit of Spanish.  All of my travel this year will be in Spanish speaking countries.  My lack of language, of course, won’t stop me from going.  But seeing as how I have some familiarity with Spanish (not to mention, it’s on my bucket list to learn), I think this would be a good time to give it a go.  For the moment, I’m going to work on this on my own.  I have a few good workbooks.  We’ll see how far this takes me.  At some point, I imagine I’ll take a formal class.  But for now, I just want it to be something fun and relaxing that I do when I have down time.

Paint.  I’ve been interested in learning to paint for a few years.  I’m not talking about wall paint (like above), but rather making art on canvas.  I signed up for an online paint class, which begins in February.  I love this particular artist’s style, and I think it will be tons of fun learning from her.  My goal is to make something I’ll want to hang on my wall.  Maybe I’ll go further than that; maybe not.  But creating one piece of art I can be proud enough to hang up sounds like a great place to start!

Photography.  I love photography.  I think I’ve mentioned this before.  It’s on my bucket list — buy and learn to use a DSLR camera.  Well, I’ve got the camera.  And I’ve got a photographer friend that’s willing to help me learn.  My ultimate goal is to learn to use it well before my trip to Peru.  I want to take beautiful photographs of my travels.  I would like for my friends back home to catch a glimpse of what I see on the road and get a real feel for the places I’ve visited.  I’d like to take pictures that make awesome additions to my wall art.

Student Loans.  This one’s much less fun, but it’s something I’d like to tackle.  When I first graduated, I had a two-year plan for paying off my student loans.  Then life got in the way.  I’d like to get back to that two-year plan.  It’s going to take some figuring out.  Perhaps it will take me pulling in income from a side business of some sort.  I’m not sure.  But early this year I will sit down, put pen to paper and get a plan together.  My student loans aren’t particularly burdensome, and the payments are small.  But the idea of paying on the damn things for nearly the rest of my adult life irks me.  They’ve got to go.

So there we are.  A few things to think about as I move into the new year.  Mostly fun; though a little bit of business thrown in.  I believe it shall be a good year, indeed.  Oh.  And by the time I’m posting this, it’s actually the end of the day.  My apartment painting project is complete!  I’m holding off on the big reveal for the next post.  But for now, here’s a peek at the paint color.